(from An Eye of Another Color)
I write to you again so I may confess my sins. Though you know all there is to know about my mind, body, and soul, it feels healthy to get these demons out all the same. It’s been a while since I’ve given breath to these infestations that we seem to collect until we’re dead, yet I’ve not forgotten how unwashed apples will rotten through and through to their cores. You’ve forgiven me thousands of times before, and tonight I ask for it once more. I don’t know if it matters whether I implore with cries and sighs and sobs and all the depths of my sorrow, or if simply I ask. But the fact remains every time I’ve asked, I’ve been cleansed and made sane, and always felt better tomorrow…
Looking to the past I can’t seem to grasp how it is I came to my particular situation. A ton of success, but my life is a mess, and a plethora of lonely nights it seems I’ll be facing. I haven’t a doubt you want to turn it about, but I’m a damned foolish captain. And though you’ve realigned the stars in my travels afar it seems I refuse to just let it happen. Call it strong-willed or a strange sense of dedication, but it’s likely I’m just pig-headed. Because despite the hurricanes and no matter how hard it rained I refused to change my misguided headings. Even when in my path a dreaded obstacle I must pass it seems I was oblivious of the current on my rudder which kept pulling me farther towards a channel made for easier boating. Eventually delirious at the helm and having sailed so many times through hell I couldn’t care less where I was going…
So forgive me my thinking it was the winds that gave my life meaning, when it was really their gracious maker. Let me not get so lost in headings I forget the sea’s bountiful giving and miss all the beauty which surrounds me. Bring me back the company of my family, the touch of my wife, and the sounds of my vocal dog’s strange howling. Grant me children to bear, and may I live to kiss their hair as they learn to sail beside me. And for your having stayed with me through all of my days of misguided meandering, I’ll teach them to sing you acclaim when on their knees they bow down to pray for they’ll know you love them always.
I know how much I ask and how little I gave before the asking, but bless me, Father, more than I ever dared to dream I deserved.
Your Loving, Humble Sailor.